Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

I’ve started noticing patterns in my interactions and one of them that stands out is that with most of the girls I’ve actually had sex with off of an online dating site, the setup prior to the date is pretty easy.  With the dates that never led anywhere, there was always either a scheduling conflict or a girl deliberately negotiates stuff for no reason at all.

I get a message on Saturday from this Russian girl on match.  I set up a meeting with her that same night.   I proposed that we meet at a certain bar at a certain time.  Not only did the bar in question not work for her, but she wanted to negotiate the exact time that we met.  I tried to do everything via text message but she insisted that I call.  So I call and propose a 9:30 meet and she’s all like “Can we meet earlier?” So I agreed at first to 9pm.  I was walking home from shopping so I texted her the address of the bar and she texts back, “Can we do midtown?” and I just text her back “no”.  She finally agrees with me but ends up being late anyway.  To make a long story short, I ended up  walking out of the date because the vibe was so bad.  She asked no questions, she said basically nothing at all for the 20 minutes we were together, and it was a pain in the ass to talk to her.  I finally told her I’m not really enjoying myself and wanted to leave.  So I pay the tab and get the hell out of there.

Now, this is kind of a worst case scenario example but things like this have happened on other dates that ended up just being “average”.  Whenever a girl starts negotiating or rescheduling, I know that my chances of sex on the first date go down precipitously.  She’s telling you how hard a lay she’s going to be.  Pretty much anytime I’ve had sex on the first date, 95% of the time the date is set on my terms.  She’ll meet at the time I propose.  She’ll be on time.  She’ll be flexible about her schedule.  The high maintenance girls take two or three dates, if that at all.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, she very well could be a “quality” girl that’s worth waiting it out a bit for (with quality being totally subjective).  The main disadvantage of online dating is that your value to her may be pretty low initially, even if you do have a decent look and profile.  The high maintenance girls present you with an upward battle, the ones that are really looking forward to meeting you are extremely compliant.

Well, maybe “high maintenance” isn’t the best word.  Let’s call them “busy bodies”…professional girls of a certain caliber with a demanding job and lots of side projects they are involved in (i.e organizations, yoga classes, running a 5k, whatever). With them, they try and “fit you in” to their schedule and that kind of stuff never pans out well.  I met a nurse a few weeks ago that’s up at 6:30 in the morning, so she was already time-constrained to a couple of hours by the time we met up one night.  She also couldn’t make it on the Monday we planned because she was sick.  On the other hand, a girl I’m currently seeing who works at a non-profit had a schedule where she was working from home the next Friday morning.  So it was pretty easy for me to invite her back to my place.  And she also didn’t have any trouble showing up on time (even though she came all the way from bk) , didn’t try to reschedule, and didn’t try to negotiate minor details.  Those three things are the main checkpoints I use now.

Feeling Good

Posted: July 21, 2011 in inner game, lifestyle, relationships

Reflecting on my 30th birthday BBQ last Friday does kind of make me warm and fuzzy inside.

The reason is that I think about how far I’ve come in the last two years since I discovered the whole seduction scene.   I think after I came back from Austria in late ’06, a certain part of me just shut off socially.   My interests and hobbies were different.  I thought about my ex-girlfriend that I left over there a lot.  My old friends moved away.  I just wasn’t into hanging out with any of them, which I now regret.  I stayed in an apartment with this weirdo in VA until I moved to NJ and lived with my parents.  I got fired from two jobs and laid off from one of them.  I was a mess.

I just didn’t really want anything but to get on track in terms of my career.   And by the time that I found a steady job that I liked, I just told myself that it’s time to get social and get some new people to hang out with.   And time to actually stick my dick in some vagina again.  Sometime between the layoff and actually starting a career, I saw this video  (an edited version of the original, which I know runs over 10 minutes) which lit a fire in my butt.  I had been sitting around, gaining weight, not doing shit but being depressed and here’s a guy who approached a stranger on the street and made out with her.  I downloaded everything I could find and found myself in Brad P’s 30/30 club.  Met a few local guys in the scene at I was out trying to get  again after maybe three years of not doing anything.

Now I’ve worked hard enough to live in a cool neighborhood, have two job offers pending to make more money, and life couldn’t get any better.  I’ve got a fuckbuddy but no strong emotional bond with her but that’s OK.  At least she’s funny.  I’ve got friends calling me up to do stuff, and I’m out gaming all the time on the weekends and sometimes during my day-to-day activities.   I still want to get in better shape and explore my hobbies, but that’s all a work in progress.   Everybody at my party, I’ve met in 2010-11.  So that’s not a long time and tells me that there’s more where that came from if I keep doing what I’m doing.  Of course, most of my invitees were men and my buddy M provided a lot of the ladies there, but who cares?  I liked my role of being sort of a ‘connector’ to people, and that’s only going to continue.  Me and M have plans to keep doing rooftop parties, keep connecting people, keep bringing value to others instead of always trying to operate in that nightgame/daygame paradigm where the odds are always stacked against you anyway.

My neediness still seeps through in my interactions, but I think part of the cure is just building that solid foundation of building a lifestyle that I can say I’m proud of.

So I think after a few weeks, I think it’s over before it even started between me and this Bulgarian girl I met at a meetup in May (sexy, slim, very pale, nice smile, long jet black hair.  I mistook her for being middle eastern but she’s in fact Bulgarian).  I just felt the need to write about it a bit so I could take something from it.

My main mistake was putting her on a pedestal too fast.  I went to the meetup and gamed her, solely her, and ignored friends of mine.  I pretty much only went to the meetup to game her, because the meetup which I’ve been a part of for awhile is lacking cute girls.  I saw her picture and was imagining me and her doing shit before I even met the girl.  That’s a huge sticking point of mine, fantasizing about girls I don’t even know.  It started in elementary school and hasn’t stopped.  Anytime I do this, I don’t get the girl at all because my interactions are poisoned by coming across as try-hard.

But regardless, I gamed her pretty well that night.  I got her to isolate with me downstairs at 230 Fifth and she even bought me a drink.    She was future projecting me like crazy.   I say goodbye to her and she’s getting all starry eyed and gives me a kiss..not exactly on the lips but close enough so that I know it’s not a lets-be-friends kiss.  And her friends were around too.

About a week later, I meet up with her under not so ideal circumstances.  I ended up flaking on her Wednesday because a) I wasn’t sure if she would show up because she hadn’t contacted me at all and b) I had a networking event to go to.   I randomly call her on Friday and talk about 30 minutes.  I convince her to come out and see me and break her dinner plans to see me.  She calls back and asks if I can come out to Coney Island because she did not want to upset her friends.   Reluctantly, I go.

On the date, she’s complimenting me about how cute I look in the beginning, kinoing me too while we’re walking arm-in-arm.   We walk near the beach and she orders me some fried shrimp and a beer.  I tried to pay for it myself but there were no ATM’s around and this place was cash only.  She even future projects what me and her are going to do on my birthday so at that point, I thought I was in.  But the fact of the matter is that she wouldn’t tounge kiss me and would just give me grandma kisses.  I went for it maybe 4 times and the lesson here is something that I figured out while I was at the club with the Indian girl last Friday: if she doesn’t do lips, try kissing her somewhere else like her neck.  It worked for the Indian girl, it might have worked on this Bulgarian chick.

We went to this live music joint and I bought two glasses of wine, fucking expensive.  I guess live music joints mark up prices.  Oh well.  We’re just sitting down, touching each other.  I don’t think I go for the kiss here, I pull back a little bit.

Another thing to note about her is that she likes 50 cent, that’s her ideal guy.  I look nothing like him.  She makes about two or three comments about my stomach and I start to neg back about her figure.  She’s fucking skinny but just felt the need for it.  I think she saw that it bothered me too.  I’m working on the weight issue slowly and surely, and have probably lost 8 pounds since I went out with her.   But it really brought all of my bodyweight insecurities out and I just lost my edge.

Meanwhile, her roommate has some guy over and calls her to tell her to stay out as long as possible.   Somewhere along the way, I propose that I just stay over her place because it’s gonna take a long ass time to get back to Manhattan.  There’s no express to Coney Island and it was like 2am.  She gets really mad at the suggestion even though I framed it as “I just want to stay over, I’m not gonna try anything, I’ll leave in the morning”.  She felt that the move was just too fast.  And as the show is ending, she disappears on the phone for about 7 minutes, I’m getting really nervous  just sitting there by myself.

So we walk to the train, we chat about 20 minutes.  I’m still going for the kiss, she’s still resisting.  I finally say something like “I just don’t know about you, you don’t fit into the pattern of girls I end up dating”.  It’s generally true.  As Paul Janka said, difficult women remain difficult and even though she was future projecting and stuff, she criticized my appearance.   And during the conversation by the train, she said things were moving too fast.  But we do make tentative plans for the next week.  I try some same-pageology stuff just to see if we still like each other

Me: I like you and you like me, right?

Her: Maybe, she said it jokingly.

I really started coming on strong when I said something like, “I want to see you all the time, whenever possible” or something akin to that and she was struck by it.  I just put it all on the line, she was taken aback and I could tell by the look on her face.  At that point, I just started to tease her relentlessly.  At some point, she even says “Now you’re back to acting like the guys I like”.  I took that as my cue to leave.  But our whole dynamic changed that night from starting off as:

Me flaking on her because I had some important shit to do, having her pick up the phone every time I called

me coming all the way out to Coney Island to see her, missing out on important cues, displaying vulnerabilities and neediness too early.  And for some reason, she lost sexual attraction for me because I wasn’t her ideal muscle bound meat head that she’s used to.   I don’t have to be a meat head or look like 50 cent, but I can lean up a bit and started working on that even before I met her.  Having a lower body fat percentage will help passive attraction with any girl.

Key mistakes that changed everything were the fact that I had to convince her on Friday to come see me.  I should have given up right away when she said she had dinner plans but I continued, started sweet talking her and she agreed.  I should have made plans for Sunday or something like that and went out that Friday to game other girls.

Even though she future projected a lot, I damn sure shouldn’t have done it back.  She knew she had me.

My latest flakes, the two blondes two weeks in a row, I think felt my neediness because I was seeding hang outs before I really knew where I stood with them.  The bulgarian felt it too, which is why when I tried to follow up for a date the next week, I got no answer at all.   We texted back and forth a few times though.  I went to this event and saw one of her friends and according to her, the Bularian had to go out of town for something.  I don’t know if that’s true or not but she didn’t respond to my text asking if we were going to hang out that Friday.

Regardless, I contacted her on Facebook and she accepted my invite to my party.  She even asks what I want for my birthday.  But she also asks if there’s gonna be hot guys there.  I think I’m dead in the water, but I did the right thing by not contacting her for awhile after she flaked.  My plan that night is to just to keep it light.   I will not criticize or make any personal attacks on her, I’m just gonna do some light teasing.  And I’m not going to touch her at all and run some semi-aloof game.  I’m gonna be the center of attention so it will be a good chance to see me in a leadership role.  There will be other girls I’m interested in as well, so I’ll be talking to them to see if I can raise the Bulgarian’s interest back up.  There’s a cute ass co-worker I work with who I’m going to try and have lunch with and give her an invite this week.  I think she finds me attractive, I just get that vibe from her.  So, we’ll see.